Untitled Because I Can't Think Of Anything Witty

After an uncomfortable attempt to take a nap I now find myself hung over, cranky, hungry and headed towards Bristol for day three of Polar Bear Club’s UK tour with Ruiner and Defeater. I’ve borrowed Goose’s Ipod since all I have on this tour is my mother’s Shuffle (thanks, Kate!). So now you know where I’m at, tell me what you’re doing, my dear reader. Oh stop, I don’t want to know. We can all agree I only care about myself and my drink.

This morning I was looking at my blog and noticed there haven’t been many updates recently or in general. The last thing I ever want to do is write. Or move. In fact, my only current interests are Sex And The City episodes on my computer and snacking. I absolutely do not wish to accomplish anything. I suppose it’s this attitude that has landed me surrounded by eight dudes, forced to sleep standing up with the gentle tug of nausea and vomit at the back of my throat. My lack of comfort is your reward so here we go.

This tour can already be deemed a personal success because I did not pass out in the aisle of the plane unlike our last trip over the ocean. While once again I did get drunk before our flight, I decided to switch it up and not take sleeping pills as well. This was my key to avoiding another public humiliation. Ok, break time from writing, I’m getting car sick. And we’re back! The lot of us arrived in London around 10pm this past Friday. I must say my now favorite airline is Continental based solely on the in-flight television choices. At my disposal were episodes of Friends, Scrubs, and House – all three of which I watched. Everyone else in PBC watched He’s Just Not That Into You, well, except for Goose whose television was broken and this small detail made me smile wide. Goose can be a mean little man child who WILL say terrible things about one’s mother. Be on your toes.

Let us fast forward a couple days mostly because I forgot I even started an entry. Here we are now in Birmingham, UK and it’s been a couple of great days. Kingston, Bristol and Brighton were all great shows put on by great promoters. I haven’t been behind the merch table since we brought along our friend Tom who has dutifully handled the aspect I avoid most tours. The cluster fuck of the tour was clearly in Leeds where PBC, Ruiner and Defeater all played Slam Dunk Fest. If you’re unfamiliar with Slam Dunk, it’s basically a one day Warped Tour that goes all day and night. This particular year, the fest took place on a college campus with bands playing in different rooms all within the same building. For some reason kids here actually give a damn about Cobra Starship and Anti Flag so the event brought in over 5,000 people. This was the first time I had been on university ground since early 2002 so I quickly declared myself “Big Man On Campus” (aka B.M.O.C) and drank enough free beer to kill a fraternity president.

While pulling myself out of haze and stupor brought on by Heineken as well as underage hot girls, I managed to catch PBC’S full Slam Dunk set which went over splendidly. The room PBC played in had at least 125-150 on lookers. Stage barriers seem to be common place at shows over here in England so like any event where Goose is involved there was a touch of awkwardness. While I absolutely intended to catch Ruiner and Defeater that day there was just no way to maneuver around the building. If a fire had started, the Great White incident would have seemed like a carnival or birthday party in comparison - a birthday party with happy clowns, not the scary kind. So what I did instead was sit in the backstage room and take in my surroundings. Surroundings which included dudes using devices to straighten their hair as well as products to sculpt previously mentioned hair. Hardcore lives.

Over the process of this entire week Emmett, PBC’S drummer, developed either another testicle in his wrist area or perhaps was bitten by a spider because he has a large growth/infection near one of his hands. Personally, I hope he was attacked by a spider whilst sleeping because it’s always been my dream to witness an obscene amount of arachnids crawl out of Emmett, it’s just who I am. Either way, Emmett has been in pain this entire tour. No, not the pain brought on by unrequited feelings for his tour manger – actual physical issues. The goiter/spider nest got so bad that he had to be brought to a hospital today, the night of our show in Birmingham. Basically, Emmett is going to be ok but just to be on the safe side, he won’t be performing tonight. Thankfully, Defeater’s drummer Andy is filling in for a couple songs along with our merch dude Tom who will handle the rest of the lot. While the set will be shorter, I don’t think the 25 kids who actually showed up tonight will mind too much. Adding to the uncomfortableness is a stage barrier as tall as Jimmy’s ego. In fact, I’d rather have my parents catch me touching myself (again) than sit through tonight any longer. On the bright side, I’m now camped out at the merch table, drunk and bored enough to actually ramble on a bit.

But here’s hoping Emmett starts to feel better. Even though him and I fight the most out of anybody and even though he used to live in my ex girlfriend’s vagina for awhile, I guess he’s grown on me these last five or six years. And speaking of growing, I’m in love with all the Defeater guys – mostly because more than half of them booze it up. Plus, they’re all attractive dudes, especially Shitty Dan Yemen aka Mike. Sure, all of Ruiner is also fantastic dudes but Rob scares me more than my credit rating and student loan debt combined. So here’s to the rest of tour where my quests to either marry or impregnate a slightly chubby girl with an accent continues. The following is a list of my top 3 bands Polar Bear Club has toured with. This list will change the world and break the hearts of others.

1. Broadway Calls – Ask anyone in PBC, I can’t remember anyone’s names. It’s due to brain damage brought on by excessive drinking but I guess that’s not a reliable excuse. Broadway Calls is a three piece and only travel with one other person. Thankfully, I can handle four names. Well, no, not right by now but maybe later tonight. The easy list of names accompanied with lead singer Ty being the type of guy you want to move to New Hampshire and start a life with put Broadway at the top.

2. Living With Lions – As I’ve mentioned in a previous entry, Lions party as if it’s their last night on earth. No, I don’t remember any of their names but last tour we did with them, one of them smuggled a condom of weed across the Canadian border just for the story. That sounds like something I would do if a.) I did any type of drug or b.) ever used a condom in my life.

3. Anybody not named The Swellers.