Call It An Evening, Just Not Well Spent

Hey! We're On Tour With Set Your Goals, Fireworks and Four Year Strong!!!!

There are so many god damned dudes on this tour and I can’t remember anyone’s name as of yet, this being day ten or eleven of tour. With band and crew I’d estimate around 30 different swingin’ cocks are traveling from state to state and unless your name is unique i.e. Fister, Dick Punch, Shark Tooth or Rib Eye, I’m not going to remember a Chris, Mike or Tim. I’m absolutely incapable of learning new information. When new data comes into my booze soaked brain, old info is pushed out and I’m not willing to risk losing the memory of that one time I put my penis into a va-jay-jay. Sorry Fireworks, I know we’ve toured before but please understand I have no idea what your names are – hence the blank, spaced out stare on my mug every time we speak.

During July on our month off I began a diet and exercise program in hopes that when tour began in August Jimmy would finally notice me. In total, I’d say I dropped around 13 pounds. Well in less than a week most of that girth is back where it belongs (my mom ass/child bearing hips) and Jimmy and I’s brief dalliance has once again hit the skids. I’ll be alright though; I just woke up in a Motel in St Petersburg to my main man Goose aka my forever number one PBC dude. Aside from the intense heat and me sweating harder than Chris Browne at the mere mention of the word vagina, I’d have to say things are going pretty well for PBC and me on tour. I say myself because we brought out a skinny Englishman named Luke to sling merch thus allowing me to creep about in the deep recesses of each club on the hunt for free alcohol. As of yet I haven’t been able to liberate much booze but I’m pretty sure I turned up that kidney that failed Emmett a couple years back.

And as far as Polar Bear Club, crowd reaction is ultimately positive and enthusiastic. The kids at each show usually consists of tweens and older teens dressed to the nines in neon pink and greet but it seems while they may be confused over their sexuality, they’re pretty positive PBC sounds like nothing they’ve ever heard before . I don't know what the last half of that sentence even means. Anyway, the only downside at shows is that each night, the two hottest girls at a show, with their ages combined, still wouldn’t equal a legal age for me to touch sexually. I’m going to jail. But at least PBC kids are quite easy to spot. Yep, they’re the overweight, womanless, bearded dudes sweating alone in the corner wondering if they came to the right show. I don’t know why I just wrote any of the last couple lines, none of them are actually true. I just like to hurt and creep people out. I swear someone touched me as a kid.

I’m going to keep this entry quite short because my computer is about to die and we’re almost at the venue. We’re actually headed towards Metairie, Louisiana today. That part in the beginning about waking up in St Petersburg was actually from a couple days ago. My writing process, much like my fucking, consists of starting an entry, napping, sweating too much, napping some more and eventually finish with all parties involved forever scarred and dissapointed. So the first paragraph is from awhile ago and the rest of this garbage I’m just making up as I go in the van about a week later. As far as the show tonight, Polar Bear Club played the same venue whilst on tour about a year ago with The Swellers, Broadway Calls, and Crime In Stereo and in all seriousness about eight kids showed up. Now that we cut all that dead weight from that particular tour package, maybe tonight we’ll get sixteen. Worst news of the tour though is tonight’s venue prohibits alcohol. New slogan for the south…..The South, Where We Still Enforce Prohibition And Hate Blacks. See you soon, my pets.

Favorite PBC Member List From 1 - 5
1. Fuck those guys, they won't even give me a copy of their new album. Go listen to my real friend Frank Turner