Down With Women, Up With Dudes!

Often, I get told my show goers and friends that I don’t update my blog enough; that I need to write more. Well, after explaining that I don’t owe them a fucking thing, I also point out that I’m actually on pace to write more this year than I did last. I then kindly ask my detractor to “suck it” and I make my way to the nearest bathroom stall to either cut or purge. But here’s an offering to satisfy the seven readers that are nice enough to check in with me every once and awhile. No, it’s not a blog about our current tour with Thrice. I’m delivering that piece to some Australian rag I’ve never heard of or read for my friend Kelly. This is absolutely not about Polar Bear Club’s tour with Face To Face and Pegboy, in fact, I’m never going to write about that experience. Why? Well, I drank too much and ingested too many pills to remember even one date. Call me King College, fuckers. The following is more fodder until someone starts paying me for this shit. Then and only then will I put in effort. Be nice.

Every tour there's usually one dude in one of the other bands that we're on tour with that I hit it off with really well. Imagine that, dudes liking me but not women? Shocking! Either way, I don't mean in a "Yo, lets do a standing 69" but more in a "Hey, let's drink whiskey, smoke cigarettes, and make fun of Chris Browne." In most instances, Nate gets really jealous for a couple reasons. First off, Nate thinks he's my best friend (untrue) and secondly Bastard Nate believes I actually steal these dudes from him. Nate delusion-ally believes the cool dudes in the other bands should like him more than me. Joke's on him, I'm a drunker, cooler James Dean and Nate's like a shittier, less funny Urkel. The following is my list of top dudes in other bands we've toured with.

1. Frank Turner - This is a weird one because Frank and I don't have much in common. Frank is highly educated whereas Trevor doesn't know the difference between their, there, and they're. Even the mere mention of the word alcohol gets Frank drunk and stumbly while I fancy myself a bit of a boozehound. Frank wears white Jnco's and may get a perm every six months. Me, well, I wear pants that are too tight and haven’t had hair (sex) since the late 90's. Somehow though we looked past our difference and oh fuck it, Frank's on Epitaph and I want to meet Milo. That’s why he's my number one dude-man.

2. Every dude in Broadway Calls. Ok, so we're on tour right now with Thrice somewhere in California. I was sitting behind the merch table when a lightning bolt of panic struck me from out of nowhere. I forgot to put my homeboys in Broadway Calls on my list initially. A mistake such as this is worse than a mother murdering her own children. Ty, Josh, Matt, Lazer. I'm sorry. Yes, I'm hammered right now so this makes no sense. Anyway, the first time we met Broadway Calls they played with us at the Westcott in Syracuse, NY. I didn't hang out with them that much because, per usual, I had my eyes on a devil woman that turned me into a weeping mess for a couple months. Anyway, that soul sucker is gone but Broadway Calls remain.

3. D-Man of Defeater - Unlike Frank, D-Man and me have a lot in common – self hate, a drinking problem and we’re both really annoying when drunk. Another positive is that Derek is covered in horrible tattoos that make me feel a lot better about the shitty ones I have. He’s like a third degree burn victim but with ink instead of scars and grafts. Derek would have made it to the top of my list I he were currently returning my text messages. But really, check out the new Defeater record, it’s incredible. I hear the lyrics are about a character in a Dean Koontz book Derek once read.

4. Sleazy aka Alex of The Gaslight Anthem. Once upon a time, Polar Bear Club toured with the biggest band in punk rock/rock and roll. Well, twice in face. Sure, they might deny it now but it did happen. Ask Frank Turner, he was there. Anyway, during our two tours, Alex, the bassist, took a liking to me. Not sure why, really other than we shared a common love of rejecting reality and instead choosing a tour life of whiskey and red bull. Often, well, quite often, when I needed a stiff drink, Alex was there to make me a cocktail stronger than my love off big assed porn. I don't think you've ever seen two bigger opposites attract in a total non sexual way. Ever see that Saturday Night Live skit with Patrick Swayze and Chris Farley as erotic dancers? It was exactly like that. The ripped and buff Swayze as me and Alex as Farley of course. If you haven't witnessed what I speak of, check it out here.

5. Mark of Strike Anywhere. Strike Anywhere was one of my first favorite bands. The band used to play Rochester, New York on what seemed a daily basis and everytime I was there up front singing along. In fact, the first time I ever stage dove was at a Strike Anywhere show. But none of that matters because Mark wasn't in the band then. Mark wears funny hats and clocks in at about eight feet tall. On stage Mark resembles a giraffe in head to toe long johns. So why does he make it on my list? Well, when I was out of cigarettes he'd bum me a couple. It's the little things, kids. Give me cancer or liver failure and we'll be friends forever.

6. Joe of Four Year Strong. I've never heard the band even though we toured for over a month with the band. I'm told they get ragged on for the type of music they play. Don't care. I stopped trying to determine what was punk and what wasn't around the time my hair began to fall out from dying it too much. The only time I ever even use a studded belt anymore is when I'm spanking a dude on the ass with it. Soak that image in, kids. But yeah, the common theme here is booze and smokes. Joe and I love to drink whiskey, smoke cigarettes and play the bass. Well, I own a bass. Doesn't mean I play it. On that note, check out my band Mayflower, I play bass for them. I once made Brian Fallon of Gaslight listen to us and he almost quit music.

PS. Honorable mentions go out to Joe from Set Your Goals (mostly because he's at the show tonight), Baby Bradley formerly of The Swellers, and Aaron from Attica! Attica!